The board person

Once upon a time, there was a bored person. By which, of course, I mean a board person. By which I mean a person who was made out of boards.

One day this person woke up. "Well, would you look at that?" ze said. "I'm made out of wood!" Ze wondered what would happen next.

A dog came by and barked. "Hello, dog!" said the board person. "I haven't fed you yet today, have I?"

The person and the dog went downstairs. The person found it somewhat difficult to move in zir new form, but ze got used to it quickly. Ze got some food down from the shelf for the dog. "Canned mouse", ze said. "This doesn't look like dog food."

Just then the feline in the next room came in and meowed.

"Ah, you must have heard me say 'mouse'!"

The cat mewed in confirmation.

"Here you go", said the board person, as ze opened the can and poured some onto the cat's dish. The cat purred happily as she ate the food.

The board person then looked back at the shelf. "Hmm, what can I eat?" ze asked zemself. "I've never been a board before. What do boards eat?"

Ze looked at the can of dirt on the shelf. "Well, trees eat dirt, so maybe that's what I'm supposed to eat... but I'm not sure this looks appetizing to me. I wonder if there's anything else."

Since ze couldn't find anything else in the house, ze took out zir skateboard and rode it to the nearest store.

Once ze was inside the store, ze realized, with horror, that it was a hardware store. Oh, no! ze thought. There are all sorts of nasty nails and screws in here! I'm a pacifist! I wouldn't want people thinking that I'm buying such dangerous weapons, nor would I want to be around people who might use them on me!

Just then ze overheard someone at the customer service desk complaining.

"For the last time", said the person working at the desk, "we do not sell computer games! Those are software, and we're only a hardware store!"

The board person looked around and realized that ze had been mistaken in interpreting the sign. Rather than the type of hardware that might be used for projects of cruelty to wood, this store dealt entirely with computer hardware. Still, ze could think of no use for computer hardware, when what ze was really looking for was food. Therefore, ze left.

Just then a parade came by. Not just any parade, though; the king and queen were there!

"Be careful! You wouldn't want the king and queen walking all over you, would you?"

"Hmph", said the board person. "Stupid chess jokes. I'm tired of being a board! I just want to go home!" Ze rode zir skateboard back home.

"Great, just great", said the board person once ze got back home. "I'm a board, and now I don't have anything to eat either!"

"Bark", said the dog.

"Oh, right, and I forgot about you. Well, I don't have any food anyways for you. Not you, nor myself. At least the cat is fed."

"Bark", insisted the dog.

"Oh, bark! If I am what I eat, maybe I should eat some bark!"

As ze went outside to find a tree with bark that ze could eat, ze noticed zir mailbox. I wonder if there's any mail yet today, ze thought.

There was. Ze looked at zir bank statement. Ze had gained interest in zir savings account! Suddenly ze changed back into zir ordinary human form, already dressed. "Yippee! I have interest!" ze said, as ze ran back inside and lived happily and interestingly ever after.