Assignment: Write a five-page story
"Wow!" said the cute little squirrel.
"Who said that?" said a voice.
"Me! Scúṛli!" (Scúṛli is pronounced "SKWER-lee." /ˈskwɹ̩.li/)
"What are you doing there?"
"I'm just being here because someone has to be here at the beginning of the story, and I'm that someone. Who are you, and what are you doing here?"
"I'm Character #2. I'm here so that you have someone to talk to."
"Why do I need someone to talk to?"
"Because the story needs dialog."
"Don't you have a name?"
"No. The author is too lazy to give me a name." Hey! My own character was just being mean to me! Ze suddenly disappears from the story and is never seen again. Now Scúṛli was all alone.
Since I can't think of anything better to have Scúṛli do, I'll let zem talk to Character #2, even though ze doesn't exist.
"So where are we?" asked Scúṛli.
"Well, I don't exist, so I'm not anywhere. You're somewhere, but I don't know where because the author is too lazy to make up a place." Hey! I'm not lazy!
"How can anything happen when I'm not anywhere yet?"
"I don't know. Maybe you'll have to think of a place to be."
"How about Coculaght? That's where I was in the last story!" (Coculaght is pronounced "KOH-koo-lot." /ˈkoʊ.ku.lɑt/)
"Where Crunchy the Kitty-Cat tried to eat you?"
"Yes, but ze became a vegetarian at the end, remember?"
Okay, I guess Scúṛli can be in Coculaght.
Scúṛli watched as the sun rose over the brownish water of Lake Chocolake.
"Wow!" said Scúṛli, looking at the sunrise.
"Who said that?" said a voice.
Hasn't this happened before? thought Scúṛli, but ze said out loud, "Me! Scúṛli! Who are you?"
"I'm Character #3," said Character #3.
"You don't have a name, either?"
"How about Ithrè?" (Ithrè is pronounced "EE-thray." /ˈi.θɹeɪ/)
"What kind of animal are you?"
"I'm a pig, and I can eakspay uentflay Igpay Atinlay." (In case you didn't notice, Ithrè's name is pronounced exactly like Eethray, which is the Pig Latin word for three.)
"But I don't eakyspay Igpay Atinlay."
By this time, Scúṛli and Ithrè were getting bored, and I think it's time to add a new character: Ripeto Ripeto, a character who likes to repeat whatever the narrator says. (Ripeto Ripeto is pronounced "REE-pit-oh REE-pit-oh." /ˈɹi.pɪt.oʊ.ˈɹi.pɪt.oʊ/)
"Hi, I'm Ripeto Ripeto, and I like to repeat whatever the narrator says," said Ripeto.
Ripeto also likes to say things that the people ze's talking to already know.
"I like to say things that you already know," said Ripeto. "I'm actually talking to the readers and giving them information that would probably be better outside quotation marks."
"We know that already!" said Scúṛli.
"I know that you already know that! Didn't I just say that I like to say stuff that you already know?"
"You're repeating yourself."
"Yes, I am. Of course I'm repeating myself! I always repeat myself!"
Scúṛli and Ithrè gave up talking to zem.
"You just gave up talking to me," said Ripeto. Since Ripeto says everything anyways, maybe I should just let zem narrate the story.
"The author thinks that I should narrate the story.
"'But you're so annoying!' said Scúṛli.
"So? what's wrong with an annoying narrator being annoying? I'm writing this story now, so you can't do anything about it!
"So what are you doing?
"'Nothing.' said Scúṛli. Ze lowered zir voice to a whisper and said, 'The author is too lazy to let us do anything, but ze doesn't like us to say that.'
"The author is too lazy to let zir characters do anything! The last character to say that the author was lazy disappeared from the story. I can't disappear from the story because now I'm writing the story. Hey — that means that I'm now the author! Did you just say that I'm lazy?!
"'Yes,' said Scúṛli.
"'Very,' said Scúṛli.
"By now, all of the characters were getting bored, and they decided that they wanted to do something. But what?
"'I don't know,' said Scúṛli.
"'Eithernay oday I-ay,' said Ithrè.
"None of the characters knew what to do, so they just sat there and waited for at least five pages to be done.
"'I'm bored!' said Scúṛli.
"'So am I!' said Ithrè.
"But I can't think of anything to do!
"'Don't most stories have some sort of problem to solve?' said Scúṛli.
"Yes, but we don't!
"'How about the problem that Ripeto is annoying?' said Scúṛli.
"I'm writing this story, remember?
"'So?' said Scúṛli.
"So I can't stop talking until the end of the story.
"'How long until the end of the story?' said Scúṛli.
"At least one more page. The story needs to be at least five pages long, and this is only the end of the fourth page.
"And each paragraph has to begin with quotation marks.
"'Why?' said Scúṛli.
"Because I'm still talking. The quotation marks are to remind the reader that I'm still talking.
"'Why are you still talking?' said Scúṛli.
"Because I'm the narrator now. If I stop talking, the story will end.
"'Why can't the story end now?' asked Scúṛli.
"Because it hasn't been five pages yet. You already knew that, but that doesn't matter because I like repeating myself. You knew that already, but that's okay.
"'You're just talking to fill up the page, aren't you?' said Scúṛli.
"Maybe I am; maybe I'm not. Maybe if I talk enough about whether I'm talking to fill up the page, I'll fill up the page. Hey! It's working! Or at least it was in the handwritten version of this story. The computer's font is smaller than the original author's handwriting, so it takes more to fill up the page. I guess I have to keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking until I fill up the page. I don't really have anything more to say, but I like repeating myself, so I can just do that. I can fill up the page by repeating myself. Repeating myself can fill up the page.
"'You're talking too much,' said Scúṛli.
"I know, but I have to fill up the page. I already said that, but that's okay, because I like repeating myself. Maybe if I repeat myself enough, I'll fill up the page. Hey! It's working!
"'Yay!' said Scúṛli.
"'So how long until the story ends?' said Ithrè.
"Not very long. The story's almost over, which is kind of sad, but I'm getting bored. Maybe I'll get the author to keep me and use me in another story!
"'You won't do that, will you, Author?' said Scúṛli," said Ripeto.